Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ponderings

It's been a couple of weeks since I've even thought about making a post in this blog. Something I've noticed since I've neglected Frumpy Hausfrau... my self-confidence and self-image have plummeted. I just don't care what I look like most of the time, nor do I feel like showcasing that lack of care. I feel more like a Fat Dumpy Hausfrau and it shows.

This past month has been full of stresses and frustrations, both physical and emotional. My goal for May had been to drop 5 lbs - instead, I gained 3 lbs. Yes, I have been exercising regularly and being careful what I eat. I've counted calories, worked out til I'm sore and yet the scale continues to stick out its tongue at me. The Club of Condemnation has had plenty of use lately. If only I'd worked out harder...eaten even less calories...or not at all. If only I had naturally thin genes...if only I hadn't regained the 35 lbs I'd lost 3 years ago.

And so I begin to wonder...is it really worth it? Dieting stinks. Hard workouts are painful for me. Neither brings me joy or results. In the long run, what will losing those 35 lbs benefit me? Yes, wearing a smaller size would be fabulous, having positive self-esteem would be nice, feeling more energized would be awesome, and getting my health numbers all in the "good" range would make the doctor happy (if I bothered to see one). But do those things truly matter in the grand scope of life? My tombstone isn't going to read: Here lies M. G. She was a size 8 and had low cholesterol. My grandbaby could care less what size I wear; he's just happy that I love him, play with him and take him for walks. And who's to say I can't have a positive self-image being the size and weight that I am right now? Isn't the only thing stopping me -- me?

I can't honestly say that I will ever stop wishing for a lighter, smaller body. Nor will I ever allow myself to eat copious amounts of unhealthy food or eliminate exercise. However, I think that I can learn to be happy with myself as I am today. It's going to take some work on my part, but I have an excellent role model to emulate: my friend and neighbor, T. She's happy with herself, confident and healthy. She's neither thin nor fat; she enjoys good food and rides her bike a LOT. The first thing one notices about T is not the size on the tag of her jeans, it is her joyous giggle and smiling face. T is a wonderfully happy person, and she makes everyone around her feel happy by proximity.

I want to be just like T...

1 comment:

lantabmom said...

I've been so much happier since I've stopped worrying about everything I'm eating or trying to work in a workout. Not so happy about the scale either, but I just want to live a happy life especially when my girls are little, I don't want to be miserable during the time that they are home with me the most. So I'm in agreement with you, I will continue to be active when I can and don't plan on being a slobby couch potato, but I'm going to accept how I look and go on. Thanks for the inspiration! :)